Photograph by Mar Bocatcat/Unsplash
Got your eye on some Black Friday bargains? Limber up with these moves to make sure that sale item goes home with you and nobody else!
Friday is the biggest sale day of the year. And it’s no time for being nice. Nice girls don’t walk out of the mall with the 70%-off-Stella-leggings in a size 12. They get stuck with the size 8. And then they have to eat kale and run every day to get into them. Do you want to be that girl? Running every day in December? Eating your sad kale chips when everyone else is chowing down on nachos? Do you? Thought not. So it’s time to start prepping. Master these skills and you will rule Black Friday. You’re welcome.
Sale Day Training Move #1: Running
Your first step in setting yourself up for success: getting there before the doors open. And when they do open, Honey you better be ready to run! Speed is important, absolutely. As for form, you’re not going for graceful Caster Semenya vibes here. The secret to Black Friday running is to be as expansive as possible. Wave those arms wide. Take up space. Don’t be a Rickon Stark – zig zag for your life. Not only will this impede other shoppers, it’ll also throw them off your scent. ‘Cause you memorised the mall map and you know where the best sales are. Obvs. Be sure to warm up your shoulders, hips and ankles at around 8:45 so you’re primed for your 9am dash.
Sale Day Training Move #2: Lateral Triceps Extension
A.K.A. “Oh my, did I just accidentally knock you out the way as we were both reaching for the same pair of shoes?” This one is an essential skill. If possible, practise with light weights in your hands so you get used to moving against resistance. Remember to keep your shoulders down and really squeeze those shoulder blades together for maximum force.
Sale Day Training Move #3: Partner Squats
Meet the secret weapon of the short girl. So you thought the top shelf was for those over 170cm only? Think again! Ideally you want to team up with someone who has completely different taste in, well, everything. If you can’t find a pyramid buddy who’s your opposite, choose someone smaller and weaker so you can win the inevitable fight later. There’s no room for a conscience on sale day.
Sale Day Training Move #4: Chin-up
This is to strengthen your grip. There comes a time in every sale when someone grabs the same item as you, at the same time. Whoever she is, she just picked a fight she can’t win. Be sure to tuck your thumb under the bar and really squeeze, like you’re holding onto the strap of a designer bag that’s marked half price.
Sale Day Training Move #5: The Menacing Stare
If you have kids, you should already have this one down. The message you’re trying to convey is, “Touch that and unspecified, terrifying horrors will befall you.” No kids? Hire a Scarlett Johannsson movie and practise on your partner.
Sale Day Training Move #6: The MMA Take-Down
This last-resort move is reserved for securing only the most precious of sale items. The trick is to use her weight against her and go for the chest, rather than the neck (to avoid, you know, criminal charges). It works particularly well if your opponent is in heels (side note: never wear heels on sale day).
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