There’s nothing worse than falling for someone – only for them to disappear on you. In a nutshell, that’s what ghosting is. A term given fresh relevance in the age of Tinder, Bumble and Grindr, it describes someone terminating all contact with someone else.
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Basically, the hot dude you’ve been chatting to for months is now ignoring all your calls and messages and acting like you never existed. Confused? It gets worse: this happens to people all the time.
Sometimes Ghosting Can Be A Good Thing
“I ghosted this guy who was leaving super inappropriate comments on my pictures and Insta-stories. It literally felt like he was stalking me and I definitely was not into him. I couldn’t exactly tell him to back off as I know him in real life, so I’ve just blocked him and make an effort to avoid him. It’s way easier than dealing with him in person and having to explain why I’m not attracted to him” – Ann*
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Sometimes It Really Frikken Hurts
“This guy and I were kind of seeing each other. We would chat and whenever we saw each other in person he was super affectionate. He gave me every indication that the attraction was mutual. But after our first time together, he said he would call, but never did. I would see him around campus, but he avoided me like the plague. I was left wondering if I somehow did something wrong. Was I a bad kisser? Did I say something to change his feelings towards me? To this day I have no closure about everything. I really liked this guy and was deeply hurt that he stopped talking to me without an explanation.” – Kim*
So, Why Do People Ghost?
No one likes awkward conversations about emotions, but as a functioning adult, you kinda have to have them. If you’re opposed to this kind of healthy discussion, you’re more likely to ghost someone. People in online relationships are also more likely to get ghosted because it’s easier to break online connections than personal ones. But just because you’re not in an online relationship doesn’t mean you’ll never get ghosted. Reports of friends, family and real-life partners pulling disappearing acts are all over the Net too.
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Jogini Packery, a counselling psychologist, explains the psychology behind ghosting: “Generally, if someone cuts you out of their lives without communication, a rule of thumb can be that they either don’t see investment in the commitment and don’t think it would be worth it to them, or they don’t have the communication skills to confront the way they feel.”
Why Does It Hurt So Bad?
Having someone mysteriously disappear from your life can be traumatic. Not knowing why someone left you can cause confusion and frustration. There’s science behind it, too: emotional pain triggers a similar response in your brain as physical pain. Along with your heartbreak, you could also be feeling debilitating self-doubt.
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According to Psychology Today, ghosting is a form of emotional cruelty because it renders you powerless to ask questions or get any answers that would help you move on from the experience. “As social beings, we all have a yearning to be loved and accepted. This is why rejection hurts, and this hurt goes beyond an emotion, and operates on a psyche level, as it affects how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves,” says Packery.
If you’re experiencing some action of a ghostly kind, just remind yourself of those two reasons why someone would do it (they’re not invested in your relationship, or those underdeveloped communication skills) and ask yourself: Would I want to be with that person anyway? Nope, probably not.
*Names have been changed.
