Deep down, we’re all animals in bed. After all, sex is an extremely primal act, and when we use our verbal (oral!) human brains to talk about it – and sometimes during it – it’s clear that the tongue and the groin are linked (in a much less graphic way than you’re picturing right now).
The Tongue-Groin Connection
Research shows that a couple’s sexual satisfaction is directly linked to their ability to give positive sexual feedback verbally and negative sexual feedback non-verbally, says WH sexpert and clinical head of MySexualHealth.co.za Dr Elna Rudolph. “We find it much easier to say ‘I don’t like it when you go so fast’ with a dismissive tone than to whisper into his ear: ‘I really like it when you go so slow.’ We have to learn to verbalise the positives.”
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In fact, a few choice words can set off the arousal response as swiftly as a sensual touch (especially in women, who are more turned on by ideas than by visuals), but an off-colour or way-too-raunchy phrase from a dude in your bed can turn you off just as quickly. Read on to learn how language affects your sex life and how you can use your words to make sex so awesome, you’ll find it hard to speak.
Stop With The Silent Sex Already!
Two excellent reasons to eschew silent sex: by piping up, you can help your guy make you feel good and make things hotter for him. So why are we so scared to raise our voices? “People aren’t taught how to talk erotically,” says sexologist Dr Ava Cadell, author of The Sexy Little Book Of Sex Games. “We’re left fumbling, trying to figure out what to say.”
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We tend to default to what we’d like to hear, she adds, which is often very different for men and women. Psychologists know that women are turned on by erotic storylines and emotional talk (cough, cough… Fifty Shades Of Grey), while men gravitate towards visual language and explicit talk (nudge, pornography, nudge). That’s why, just when you’re working up the nerve to moan, “I love you,” he might take the opportunity to announce that he loves your breasts.
How Men And Women Use Words Differently
Also, not to get all “men are from Mars”, but psychologists have established that men and women use their words differently. “In general, men like to say it as it is, while women tend to paint a picture with their words, tapping into their emotions and experience in detail,” says Rudolph.
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What further complicates it is that, in all the excitement, the words that come out of his mouth may be along the lines of: “Yeah, you like that, you [completely inappropriate and startling synonym for prostitute].” Women respond well to erotic language, says Rudolph, but dirty talk directly out of a porno is often too spicy for the average woman’s palate. “Rather than getting you aroused, you might find it upsetting and disconnecting, resulting in loss of arousal.”
Make It Work
Too shy to get vocal? To up your sigh-Q, “pretend you’re 10 times bolder than you actually are,” suggests Cadell. Take a breath and feign confidence. Then start with heavy breathing, working up to two standbys: his name and yes, she adds. When you see that he loves it, you won’t have to fake the boldness (or anything else, for that matter).
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If you want him to be more vocal, get all up in his neck and whisper-ask him what he’d like to do to you, adding: “Don’t leave out any details.” Wish he’d tone it down instead? Murmur, “Dirty talk isn’t my thing, but I want you to whisper in my ear about how this feels.”
Then respond appropriately when he follows your lead. This is classic conditioning and works so much better than just complaining or being dismissive, says Rudolph. “You’re telling him exactly what you want and rewarding him for doing it.”
