The wedding was over, but the memory of music, candlelight and conversation lingered as I sat on the petal-strewn bed of our hotel room. Finally, I was alone with Shaun*, the man I had just promised to spend the rest of my life with.
I was a virgin at the time; we both were. We had decided to wait until we were married before we had sex. Being 21-year-olds in love and madly attracted to each other, this was no easy feat.
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We had our reasons for waiting, but as the wedding date neared it became harder for us to hold back. Being Christians, we believed that sexual freedom should be expressed within the boundaries of marriage and we wanted our increased physical intimacy to be in line with our commitment to each other. I also saw my virginity as a gift I could give to my husband. Whole and untouched by other men, it showed that I had been thinking about Shaun before we’d even met.
In the weeks and days before our first night together I had so many questions: Would it be sore? How much would I bleed? What if we didn’t fit? Would I be able to please him? I was also afraid that being so physically intimate and vulnerable with another person would open me up to rejection.
In my quest for answers, I spoke to friends who’d had sex and also read books, some with very detailed diagrams! In the process, I acquired a collection of horror stories, naughty jokes and biological explanations… none of which I was necessarily looking for. Still, I had a quiet optimism that everything would be okay. People have been having sex since the beginning of time – how hard could it be?
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I reminded myself of this as Shaun unzipped my wedding gown. Positive thinking aside, I was nervous. Everything was new: undressing in front of each other, his hands on my breasts, my heart racing.
The first time I saw his penis I was shocked – his erection was bigger than I had expected it to be – but being naked in front of each other felt incredible. I loved his body, and his chest and arms felt strong and warm as he held me. I’d dropped a few kilos leading up to the wedding, and had a wax, facial, haircut, manicure and pedicure – all of which made me feel extra beautiful.
We got into our luxurious double shower to freshen up, and as we stood there under the steaming water exploring each other’s bodies, I started to relax. He took the lead, which put me at ease. After our shower, he led me to the bed, guiding me down beside him while kissing me.
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He was tender and gentle, and when he wasn’t exploring my body he would gaze into my eyes. His hands moved over my breasts, my stomach, my thighs, moving gradually lower until he caressed my vagina. At first I felt a bit uncomfortable, but slowly I let myself go. Shaun allowed me to set the pace, but even breathless and with my heart pounding, I was soon ready to go further. We used lubricant and after a bit of fumbling I felt him fully inside me.
I loved the smell of his body, the taste of his mouth and the warmth and weight of him on top of me. He continued to caress my whole body, planting kisses on my neck, mouth and breasts. I was holding nothing back, so every sensation was spine-tinglingly intense. As he climaxed he held me tight and close to him.
Afterwards, to Shaun’s bewilderment, I started crying and had to assure him that my tears were happy ones – I was just so overwhelmed. There had been such a build-up to my wedding night; this was the moment I’d been saving myself for and this was the man to whom I had promised and given everything. I was so grateful that he had done the same for me.
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I’ll admit that my first time wasn’t mind-blowing from an orgasmic perspective. But neither was it as painful as some of the stories I’d heard. It was a bit uncomfortable; feeling him inside me felt new and awkward at first and I did feel some pain as my hymen broke, but I was also aware that our experience was more than the physical act – there was also an emotional and spiritual connection being formed.
Since that first night, as we have become more relaxed and comfortable with each other, our sex life has only gotten better. It helps that we don’t take ourselves too seriously, trust each other fully and are willing to try new things. Saving ourselves for each other has given our marriage such an amazing start.
